GOD WHERE ARE YOU

Since 2008, apart from the new years of 2012. I welcomed the new year with one tragedy after the other. In all this I have always said "All things work for good for those who love God" I continued to believe and trust in God. When I was young, my parents always taught us  that if you do good, good will be your reward. Oh but life was very quick to show me   that  it was a myth.

Nonetheless, I was told that God loves us even though he watches while we go through the horrors that life that can bring and even though he is  GOD and has the power to destroy mankind with a common thought . I still kept believing. The bible says in all things be thankful and so everytime I prayed, I always made sure to thank God first and then second forgive and be forgiven. As life went on, it was becoming unbearable.

More often than not, I would find myself bursting into tears for no reason other than the fact that the pain just needed to come out some how. As years passed I became more and more consumed with self hate and shame. I was deteriorating by the day and finally with convincing, I got help. I met with a psychologist for five months who forced me to face my past. One thing I learnt from that  is you'll never overcome an event in your life until you acknowledge it and sit in that pain and feel every bit of it. I blamed, I was angry, I was sad , I was in denial and then I accepted and began my healing journey.

Then I felt stable for the first time in a long time. I decided to go back to school. I liked school, proud that I was making something out of my life. The challenges didn't end of course but somehow I had discovered a new way to live in spite of the challenges that kept coming my way.  That same year I decided to give back to God and so I started to work with the youth at a local church. I loved it, I was passionate about it. At one point I felt that this was my calling. So I continued to serve and I must admit it was rewarding.

Many times people were touched by my messages because I spoke from my life experiences. God had taken my shame away and I was new in Christ Jesus. Now just to let you know, I am a Mugisu woman. Anyone who is  Ugandan will tell you we are very outspoken. I will not shy away from giving anybody a piece of my mind.

While serving, I noticed this became an issue for a number of people however I've always believed God didn't make a mistake by giving me such courage. That love and  passion I once had to serve faded with time and eventually serving became a chore and so I decided to let it go. It wasn't for me.

Shortly after I began working full-time, and everything was going as planned. I had a routine that worked. 2016 came and I had big dreams, I was going to to travel to do the things that I had put on hold for a long time. The future looked bright, I was ecstatic.

Come January 15th, the worst had happened. No amount of tears would change it.  Everything I had ever been through couldn't remotely compare to this.  I prayed , I begged God to relieve me of the agony. Suddenly my world was crumbling before my eyes and there was nothing I could do.

Now February 25 exactly one month and 11 days. Lying here, still asking God to show himself. Prove this doctors wrong. With this future that is uncertain and pain that seems everlasting. I'm desperate to hear from GOD.

THE BLOOD SUCKERS

Well it feels so good to be back. Haven't  written in three years. This is due to various life demands. Now that I'm  done school and the weather is nice, I feel it's appropriate.  Unfortunately  this one isn't  on a positive  note.....ah hmmm  well I guess it depends  on  how you look at it.

Ok  so I'm the type of person and have always been one who loves to help others even if it meant that I was uncomfortable. However , over the years I've  often been left to feel like people especially the older crowd wanted to receive but the moment they didn't  need anything   from me, they didn't  contact me. Now some people argue that it's  an African thing  and therefore  I should suck it up.

Let me start  by describing "blood suckers". These are people  who will never cease an opportunity  to use you for personal gain. They are shameless and will continously  keep trying to get and get until they're  satisfied. These people are master manipulators, they are very good at playing the victim the moment you don't  succumb  to their requests not to mention  the guilt trips they will play on you. Now I guess you're  asking so if they're  this horrible , why would one have them in their  life?

The thing is, these people make sure that they're  always there when your helpless and vulnerable so they can be your "hero" . This way it make it easier  to use you for their benefit. For every time  they help, they will make sure you pay for whatever  they've  done for you.

After many many years of having these toxic relationships with these people , I think they've sucked just about  enough. One thing I have done is to be independent.  This means completely  removing myself  from any situation where I have to rely on them. Secondly, pay attention  to how I'm  feeling in other words realising  that NO is also an answer.

It's  definitely  not going to be easy  but it's  time for me to be a priority in my life instead of constantly  putting  others before myself. My love for myself needs a lot of work  and  this is one part of  this journey to self love that I need to tackle.

If this sounds familiar , my advice  is to take it step by step. Remember it won't  be easy but you will have piece of mind once you do it.

On that note goodnight and don't  forget to value who you are always. xox.xox.

 

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD, also body dysmorphia is a type of mental illness,, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern  and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features.

This happens to better part of us, I don't think there is anyone out there who is completely  satisfied when they look in the mirror.  The problem however comes when you start to criticize  every single part of you   Yes generally I try to be positive and keep a clear mind about every thing in my life but the toughest challenge that I'm yet to conquer is being pleased with my body. I don't remember a time in my life were I was comfortable in my own skin so is it silly for me to expect that in my adulthood it's going to happen for me? 

I have always said that I'm a good person and that's all that mattered. I'm getting to that point were I'm accepting the fact that I'm just one of those people who don't appreciate their physical appearance and it's not the end of the world. What I do love however, is my spirit and this personality that GOD put in me.

I believe GOD loves me regardless and the people in my life see me for who I am and not what I look like.  Oh don't get depressed there is a positive side to this for  instance: I don't go through life with the mentality that my looks are going to do the work for me. Everything that I want,  I know that I have to work for it.With that being said, I would love to experience what it feels like to love ones body/physical appearance. As much I hope for that day, I'm not going to kill myself over it. I shall keep living  and when that day comes I will gladly embrace it

I.praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well.(Psalms 139 :14)

WHAT IS hAPPINESS

Many of us go through life looking for what happiness really is . Some may look for it in wealth, others in partners etc. Well the first mistake is that we actually look for happiness and like that is not enough, we actually want it to have some sort of meaning. Sadly a lot of us never get to really experience it. Happiness is something so simple and yet we find it so hard to acquire, it's possible for all of us to have it as it is not restricted  to who the person is or what their social status . Happiness is A CHOICE. You have to make a decision that you are going to look at things differently(your adversities). Another thing I discovered is that I have to be the priority in my OWN life. Think about it? As you sit and cry over your self esteem, has anyone brought it you or have you received it in the mail?  Of course these things will NOT be handed to you. You have to get up and force one foot in front of the other until it becomes real. The same goes for happiness. There isn't a meaning neither can it be searched for , it is WITHIN YOU to be happy simply make the decision to be so.

Be the star in your own life - Dr Phil